Self-Sabatoge...and How to Stop!

We tend to do some pretty…interesting…things when we start relationships. This is especially true for those of us with more anxious or avoidant attachment styles. I remember many times in my past where I often would text to my heart’s galore, only later realizing that this behavior sometimes turned people away. I would blame my clinginess and desire for love, and then I would just…stop. Hundreds of attempts to communicate later, I would just stop. Often, the person wouldn’t even reach out (sometimes only until months later when they were inebriated and likely just wanting to “get some”), which should have warned me about their own behaviors or desire to even begin a relationship with me (or anyone else for that matter). This constant game playing would often sabotage any chance I had at beginning or maintaining a relationship with someone, and my anxious attachment only made matters worse. Over time, I realized that some behaviors needed a significant change, and I was the only one that could change them.

Self-sabotage can be our brain’s mechanism toward trying to protect us. These behaviors often emerge since we have been hurt in the past, and we engage in them in order to not be hurt again. Since many of us are either scared of commitment, or scared of being abandoned, we subconsciously engage in behaviors that tends to ruin the chance of any relationships even starting. We tell ourselves that it will hurt less if we end things before someone else does. This is actually just us harming ourselves! Is that really much better?!

The answer is…obviously no. It doesn’t hurt less when we hurt ourselves and just because we have “control” doesn’t mean it’s doing any favors for our own well-being, or patterns in building relationships moving forward. We often move even further away from a meaningful partnership with someone, and we might even allow intolerable behaviors that our partners will engage in in order to stay close. So, how do we stop these self-sabotaging behaviors?

First, let’s all acknowledge the purpose of our brain and send gratitude its way in attempting to protect us. Next, challenge your thoughts. Thoughts aren’t facts. Then, begin building self-trust. If you aren’t able to trust yourself, how can you say you are able to trust someone else with your heart? When we can speak to our hearts and say, “I trust your ability to love and protect me,” our ability to attach to others becomes a lot less scary, mostly because we know we have ourselves to rely on.

This is where self-regulation comes in. This is one of the most underrated skills that often gets overlooked in adulthood. Read this at least twice: our ability to self-soothe allows us to regulate our triggers, and overcome the need to run away or self-sabotage. Self-regulation doesn’t mean we are ignoring or neglecting our emotions, quite the opposite. You acknowledge the feeling (scared, anxious, etc.), and proceed thoughtfully at the same time, which often translates into also building a more secure attachment style.

So here is a quick recap on what to do the minute you start feeling like you are traveling down a self-sabotage path:

1. Thank you brain for your attempt to protecting me

2. Challenge your thoughts-they are not always factual and often stem from negative thought spirals

3. Build self-trust

4. Practice self-soothing/self-regulation skills

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate

Finally, COMMUNICATION IS KEY. Always. All the time. Literally every day, in every way, and all circumstances. Learn how to ask for what you need. We all have needs, I don’t know why we do this to ourselves all the time, but if we aren’t able to communicate what we need, how the hell can we expect others to meet those needs?